Peanut Tillman, King of the Feds

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“Locking up” just got a whole new meaning.

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Former Chicago Bear and Middleweight champion of the world Charles “Peanut” Tillman is America’s newest FBI agent.

This new position for Tillman needs to become a “Dog The Bounty Hunter” type reality show that follows Peanut as he apprehends criminals and punches whatever they just stole out of their hands. Every episode of this TV show can be focused on one of the FBI’s most wanted list. The First episode can be Peanut chasing down El Chapo in the mountains of Mexico and punching a vacuum sealed brick of heroin out of his hands then taking it all the way to the house.

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The mental picture of Tillman wearing an FBI windbreaker over shoulder pads and giving Ted Bundy the business as they try to make their getaway is too good to not come to fruition. Also getting Tillman on the next season of Mindhunter has to be a priority so that he can punch the hell out of the BTK killer when they finally catch him. Maybe even an appearance on Quantico so he can force a folder out of Liam O’Connor’s hands as he walks to the water bubbler. And forget the EGOT, Tillman will be the first person in the WPEMOV (Walter Payton, Emmy, Medal of Valor) club and put that hack Audrey Hepburn in her place.

Tillman can teach the Peanut Punch to all the other agents and they’ll dominate the FBI vs CIA charity boxing match for years to come.

The first case Peanut should be put on is investigating Brian Urlacher for identity fraud after growing that suspect full head of hair. It’s just unnatural and there must be foul play involved.

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Congrats Peanut on becoming an FBI agent and pre-congrats on the Oscar-winning TV show, Peanut Punches Perps” (working title)

3 Suggestions To Improve The AAF

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The dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and Trent Richardson has properly run power. The AAF since its first televised week has been drastically losing viewers from a combination of poor play, lack of player name recognition, and payroll issues. I have a trio of solutions to solve these problems that will most definitely produce a more compelling game on and off the field.

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1. Sign Le’Veon Bell

Le’Veon Bell’s contract negotiations with the Pittsburgh Steelers have been a story since the summer and have yet to be resolved. In order to boost player name recognition, the AAF must bring in a player who fans will want to watch play. Bell has been one of the most dynamic playmakers in the NFL since he first stepped onto the field, and would bring his highlight reel play to a league desperately needing attention. He wants guaranteed money and the AAF should be the league to offer the first fully-guaranteed football contract. Give him a 1 year deal for $25 million and let him run loose on the Atlanta Legends. Now, a league who had trouble paying for Week 1 salaries probably should not be trusted to pay up such a sum for good reason. But new emperor of the league and noted billionaire Tom Dundon should work out a side deal for Bell. Give him the money on a separate basis than the other players and let a fully healthy 2015 Fantasy Football PoTY run for 11.3 ypa. It will be as compelling to watch as Derrick Henry high school highlights and nationally broadcasted to remind everyone how good Bell is at football.

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2. Let the fans play

Fan involvement is one aspect of any league that promotes viewership growth. The NBA has fan interaction during halftime shows, so why shouldn’t the AAF? Every halftime show in the AAF should give all of the washed-up high school football players tailgating in the parking lot a pair of shoulder pads and a dream. The ball starts in the red zone and the teams trade possessions until halftime is over and a winner emerges between the crew cut 40-somethings that still think they could have made it if it wasn’t for that knee injury. The winner will be both the viewer and participants as a series of extremely sloppy attempts at running a bench concept give the right amount of spectacle and cringe factor to make compelling television.

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3. Vote Players Off Of The Island

Let the rosters be dictated by the viewer much like American Idol winners are chosen. Throughout the course of every game, fans can vote on removing one person from the roster. Whether that be a cornerback for blowing coverage, a quarterback for butt-fumbling, or a coach for losing track of the game clock, they can all go. Letting fans pick the outcome of weekly cuts will promote the thing that Twitter hopes to create, mobs of angry users getting mad at people they don’t know. The mob-mentality about poor play will satisfy everyone’s need to have their opinion heard and make for a reality show atmosphere.

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These 3 suggestions will make the AAF a spectacle unlike any other and will make the NBA an afterthought for the rest of the AAF’s season.

Robert Kraft Solicits Prostitution In Jupiter, Florida

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Robert Kraft was caught red-handed soliciting prostitution for getting rub-n-tugged in Jupiter, Florida. Words that I never thought would come from these fingers. But, in hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. Wearing Air Force 1’s and suits as a 77-year-old man, wearing those blue shirts with white collars like he’s on Mad Men, these are both red flags that should’ve been seen sooner. A hedge fund manager who wears air force 1’s is simply not to be trusted. Also, people who go to Jupiter, Florida when they are not contractually obligated to be within city limits should be locked up.

There is also a video of the act. This sex tape may come in at 2nd on the all-time list right behind Pamela Anderson and in front of Kim Kardashian and Ray J. I hope there is audio of his mouth-full-of-nickelodeon-gak speech asking how this poor woman’s day is going before asking for her to go “a little bit lower” as she limply caresses his cookie-dough-consistency belly. If Kraft is really about that AF1 life he would still have those shoes on while he’s wearing the slightly brown, mildew stained robe they give you at a massage parlor. Those bedazzled Patriot AF1s glistening in the light as he lets out a bloodcurdling scream when he sees the Dow Jones went down a point and a half while this ‘masseuse’ works on him like a college student on a clogged shower drain.

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In all seriousness, this is a terrible set of circumstances for the women involved in this story. They are trafficked women who were forced to perform sex acts on over 1,500 men per year and were given no time off with minimal hygiene. I dearly hope that some kind of justice for these women is carried out and they can once again regain total control of their lives. The high level of media scrutiny that comes from the involvement of famous people hopefully means this is over quickly and efficiently with an outcome that benefits the women.

Maybe Kraft will get suspended 4 games and Patriots fans will riot outside courthouses in Florida demanding a pardon of his sentence, maybe they’ll sit idly by while justice is carried out. We all know which one they’ll pick, right?

Here is a comprehensive tweet chain of the exact details:

We Don’t Know What A Catch Is, And Neither Do Officials.

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The NFL officiating crew of the Chicago-Philadelphia Wild Card game just made the debate of what is a catch in the NFL even more muddied.

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At the end of the first half, Anthony Miller was thrown a pass that was seemingly broken up and ruled incomplete on the field, it would have been a completion down to the 5-yard line. The ball laid on the turf and both teams returned to the line of scrimmage for the next play.

Upon further review, it was deemed both a catch by Anthony Miller and a fumble by Anthony Miller. The referees called the play dead so nobody recovered the loose ball. It was assumed that it was an incomplete pass. In the review, the referees said that since the ball was not recovered by anyone, that the play is negated, and the catch does not count.

This play just exemplifies what is wrong with NFL officiating. They blew a play dead and took away what happened on that play, even though there was no real reason to negate it. He caught the ball, so he should get the yards. The play cannot be negated because the referees messed up the call on the field.

From the infamous Dez Bryant catch against the Packers in 2014 to this play today, the rules have changed dramatically to the exact opposite. The pendulum has swung so far that now everything is a catch and nobody knows why.

A change needs to be made, we’ve gone from “surviving the ground” to one step and it’s a catch. There is an in-between there that needs to be decided on. Also, the call of a negated play was terrible and that should simply not be an option.

Anyway, go Bears -6.

The Run, Pass, Option. Wild Card Picks

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The Run, Pass, Option. is your weekly NFL betting guide. Take these bets and everything your bookie has.

Run with these teams

Chicago -6

The red-hot Bears defense will be the only team to shut down Nick Foles. Even though he has been great, and is a Super Bowl MVP the Bears will be able to put the clamps on him. I like the Bears playmakers against the Eagles D. Pick the Bears -6

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Dallas -1.5

This is the year that the Cowboys win a playoff game. They have added the pieces to beat good competition, and their defense is the key. The linebacking duo of Smith and Vander Esch will be able to stop the Seahawks running game, which they lean on heavily. The Seahawks O-Line is far more banged up than the Cowboys, and that will be the key to a Dallas W. Pick the Cowboys -1.5

 

Pass On These Favorites

Houston -1.5

Andrew Luck and the Colts have lit it up against the Texans this year, and T.Y. Hilton has repeatedly torched these division rivals. While Houston has been one of the best teams in football all year, the Colts have played just as well. Indy’s Offensive Line will be the key to victory and Darius Leonard leading the defense will be able to shut down the run. Pick the Colts +1.5

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Baltimore -3

Nobody is giving the Chargers a chance to win this game a week after they lost to the Ravens. A team as good as the Chargers will be able to change their gameplan enough to win this game. The loss came from a couple of fluke interceptions and the Baltimore offense breaking big runs. If those interceptions don’t happen, the Ravens don’t win. Pick the Chargers +3

 

The Last Option

Sea/Dal Under 43.5

Two running teams and two good defenses? This is the recipe for a low scoring game that will be decided on a fluke play or long field goal. I like the Cowboys winning 17-14 in a very boring game. Take the Under 43.5

Hump Day Deep Dive #3- The First College Bowl Game

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College Bowl Season is upon us, a nearly month-long parade of obscurely named games in even more obscurely named place. In the storied history of College Bowl Season there have been some gems, the Advocare V100 Independence/Texas bowl (a pyramid scheme), the Popeyes Bahamas Bowl (there are no Popeyes in the Bahamas), and the Bitcoin St. Petersburg Bowl (The Venn Diagram of people who watch G5 bowl games and buy Bitcoin is just two separate circles.)

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(May I interest you in some fruity vitamin gummies?)

But how did this all start? From a man who enjoyed eating out of bowls so much that he wanted to watch a football game in one? Possibly. Was it from somebody in a hot air balloon, that looked suspiciously like the monopoly man, describing a stadium when looked on from above as “a large bowl full of tiny people? It’s likely. Was it started as entertainment for a parade much like the football games played on Thanksgiving? Well, let’s take a look.

In 1902, the fabled Tournament of Roses Parade needed a source of entertainment that wasn’t the traditional ostrich races tug of war competitions. Parade organizer James Wagner thought bringing the best football teams from the east and the west to clash head-to-head would be a great idea. And boy was he wrong. Michigan, the representative of the East, took on Stanford in a true stinker of a game.

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(Michigan 1902)

Michigan was known as the “Point-a-Minute” team, and they really knew how to pour it on. They finished the 1901-02 season with a whopping 550 points in 11 games (including this game). They also did not let up a single point at any time during that season. It was thought to be a good idea to bring in a 3-1-2 Stanford team to run into this past iteration of the Alabama Crimson Tide. To be frank, it did not go well. Michigan went up 49-0 before Stanford players quit and Captain Ralph “Human Embodiment of Smokey the Bear” Fisher threw in the towel.

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(Stanford 1902)

This was the revenge tour of Fielding H. “Peaky Blinders extra” Yost. The season prior he had coached at Stanford and was now facing his former team. His Wolverines finished the game with 527 rushing yards on 90 attempts (forward passes were not legal) and Stanford finished with only 67 yards.

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The game was played on a 110-yard field and scoring at the time was 5 points per touchdown or field goal and only one-point conversions. A game like this is like watching the love child of the Army-Navy game on steroids with any MAC game, with 594 yards rushing and 37 punts it would make anyone want to strap on a helmet and neckroll and run up the middle for hours on end in a rural Illinois corn field.

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(That is how you run power)

This game was so lopsided that football was not played at the Tournament of Roses for another 14 years when Washington State played Brown University in 2016. For some reason, people thought it was a better idea to watch ostrich races than a bastardized version of rugby that had bizarre scoring rules and almost an equally bad algorithm for determining champions as there is today.

So what can we learn from this? That if it was not for the heroic actions of one Fielding H. Yost to join a super team and take down his old squad in the most embarrassing way possible, then Kevin Durant would have nobody to base his decision off of. Thank you, Mr. Yost, for ruining the NBA.

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The Run, Pass, Option. Week 15 Picks.

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The Run, Pass, Option. is your weekly NFL betting guide. Take these bets and everything your bookie has.

Run With These Teams

Chicago

The Chicago Bears may just be the best team in football even when their quarterback gives the ball away like condoms in a college dorm. The Packers somehow pulled out the victory last time by a single point, but they don’t stand a chance. The Bears are not going to let their biggest rival beat them another time and Nagy will want to get the offense back on track against an in-conference rival. Take Chicago -6

Tennessee

The Tennessee Titans an underdog by 2 points is a vast oversight, even on the road, and they will beat a Giants team which is completely one dimensional by a million. Derrick Henry won’t have as big of a week as he did last week, which isn’t that hard to say. The Giants looked really good last week but water will find its level now. Tennessee -2

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Pass On These Teams

Kansas City

The Chiefs are running into a buzzsaw this week in the Chargers. We saw last week how a good defense can keep the Chiefs in check, and the Chargers have a much better offense than the Ravens do. The Chiefs are favored by 2.5, but I think the Chargers will take them down a peg this week. Take the Chargers +2.5

Los Angeles Rams

Somehow the Rams are favored by 11.5. This is just way too many points for a team playing Super Bowl Champion Nick Foles. The Eagles have not played well this year, but they will cover this huge spread after barely losing a very important game to the Cowboys. Take Philadelphia +11.5

The Last Option

Under 39.5 for DET/BUF

38 degrees and raining in Buffalo this weekend between two terrible teams? Ill take the under now and twice on Sundays. The Lions put up 17 points against the worst team in football Arizona Cardinals, and the Bills are more or less just running QB draws with Josh Allen. There is a very good chance there is only one touchdown this week. Under 39.5

matt stafford