Full Count: 5 Takeaways from Week 1 of the MLB Season

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1.The Red Sox stink.

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They stink out loud. They stink like month old whole milk. They stink more than a northern Atlantic scrod that’s been baking on the hull of a fishing boat for a month.

After being the best team in baseball last year the Sox have tumbled out of the gate big time. They lost to a man named Wade LeBlanc, who is not a pivotal member of the French Bourgeoisie but a pitcher for the Seattle Mariners. Rick Porcello threw a water cooler in frustration only nine games into the season.

Things are not going well. But, the Sox are opening at home tomorrow against Blue Jays so maybe they’ll be able to regain their ability to play baseball after they get presented their rings at Fenway and remember that they know how to win baseball games.

2. Cody Bellinger is the best hitter in baseball

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He is leading the MLB in Home Runs and RBIs and leading the NL in batting average. He is slashing .455/.489/1.023. He has a hit in all 10 games this season and 6 multi-hit games. He has caught fire like Paradise, California and isn’t showing any signs of stopping. He is mashing home runs this year, don’t be surprised if he not only gets into the derby but leads the entire league. He is my early dark horse(?) MVP candidate.

3. Chris Davis is the worst hitter, possibly ever.

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He has not gotten a hit in his last 47 ABs, which has broken the major league record for consecutive at-bats without a hit previously set by Eugenio Velez in 2011. He has a $161 million dollar contract and cannot hit the ball. Simply can’t do it, at this point it is like he’s converting to Buddhism and taking a vow of strikeouts. The Orioles aren’t expecting to really make any noise this year so it may not matter much, but Davis may become the biggest bust of a contract in recent memory.

4. Mike Trout is still very good at baseball.

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It is April 8th and Trout already has a WAR of 1.2. The Angels have played 6% of their games this year. If he keeps up this pace (which he very much might do, he is Mike Trout) then he will finish this season with roughly 10 WAR. At this point in his career, he has 64.2 WAR which means he’ll pass the likes of Reggie Jackson, Derek Jeter, Tony Gwynn, and Frank Thomas. This would be in his 10th season of baseball, the four I just mentioned all played a minimum of 19 years in the MLB. Mike Trout is just too god damn good at baseball and he has no intention of stopping.

5.Yasiel Puig Will Absolutely Fight About It.

After the Reds Derek Dietrich crushed a baseball across state lines and stopped to admire his work from his spot in the batters box and Pirates pitcher Chris Archer didn’t take too kindly to it.

Archer threw behind Dietrich the next time he came to the plate, which is the baseball equivalent of UFC fighters throwing cans of Monster at other men dressed only in a spandex bathing suit. Puig had Reds players hanging from his legs trying to stop him from knocking Chris Archer’s head into low earth orbit. Tucker Barnhardt was dragged like 4-year-old who doesn’t want to leave a birthday party with a bouncy castle.

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Baseball Finally Did A Thing

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After the many months of stagnant baseball waiting for Manny Machado and Bryce Harper to sign their record-breaking contracts, sweet relief has finally come. Manny “Ankle Breaker” Machado just signed the largest ever free agent contract in North American sports history. At 10 years and $300 million, he will be living his best life in sunny San Diego. He moved what I am assuming is 5 minutes farther down the street from where he was living while on the Dodgers. He’ll still be able to go to SoulCycle and drink Jamba Juice with his vegan kimchi burrito between innings, which I’ve heard was a major selling point in not going to Chicago or Philly.

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Maybe Manny can start a new life in San Diego, become friends with a couple of Navy SEALs and run along the beach early in the morning while shouting statements about being told what to do. Maybe, he’ll become a dolphin trainer at Sea World and be able to ride off into the sunset of his young career on the backs of pilled-out rapist fish. Or, he’ll become a surfer and give up the dirt of the diamond for the slightly grayish sands of Coronado Beach and do his best Paul Walker in “Into the Blue” impersonation.

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Whatever Manny does decide to turn his life into, I’m sure that he’ll do it to the utmost of his ability and with that world-renowned motor of his.

On a more serious note, I think that Machado will play some gold glove shortstop for the Padres for the next 5 years. He has an opt-out in that 5th year of this contract and I think he will absolutely take it if he has not been dealt by then. I am anticipating another Stanton in Miami situation. Machado will be in San Diego until a new manager comes in and wants to “change the culture”. He will then be dealt to a big market that can afford that mammoth contract like Houston or Chicago when they want to keep their slim World Series dreams alive after years of being competitive.

So in San Diego, the land of surfing and Navy SEALs, a glorious 5 years of 3rd place in the NL West are upon you. Enjoy it until Machado goes full heel and ends up in those Chicago pinstripes, until then, as the old saying goes, “Bad hustle isn’t a bad look if you take out the second baseman with you”.

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