Baseball Finally Did A Thing


After the many months of stagnant baseball waiting for Manny Machado and Bryce Harper to sign their record-breaking contracts, sweet relief has finally come. Manny “Ankle Breaker” Machado just signed the largest ever free agent contract in North American sports history. At 10 years and $300 million, he will be living his best life in sunny San Diego. He moved what I am assuming is 5 minutes farther down the street from where he was living while on the Dodgers. He’ll still be able to go to SoulCycle and drink Jamba Juice with his vegan kimchi burrito between innings, which I’ve heard was a major selling point in not going to Chicago or Philly.


Maybe Manny can start a new life in San Diego, become friends with a couple of Navy SEALs and run along the beach early in the morning while shouting statements about being told what to do. Maybe, he’ll become a dolphin trainer at Sea World and be able to ride off into the sunset of his young career on the backs of pilled-out rapist fish. Or, he’ll become a surfer and give up the dirt of the diamond for the slightly grayish sands of Coronado Beach and do his best Paul Walker in “Into the Blue” impersonation.


Whatever Manny does decide to turn his life into, I’m sure that he’ll do it to the utmost of his ability and with that world-renowned motor of his.

On a more serious note, I think that Machado will play some gold glove shortstop for the Padres for the next 5 years. He has an opt-out in that 5th year of this contract and I think he will absolutely take it if he has not been dealt by then. I am anticipating another Stanton in Miami situation. Machado will be in San Diego until a new manager comes in and wants to “change the culture”. He will then be dealt to a big market that can afford that mammoth contract like Houston or Chicago when they want to keep their slim World Series dreams alive after years of being competitive.

So in San Diego, the land of surfing and Navy SEALs, a glorious 5 years of 3rd place in the NL West are upon you. Enjoy it until Machado goes full heel and ends up in those Chicago pinstripes, until then, as the old saying goes, “Bad hustle isn’t a bad look if you take out the second baseman with you”.