Peanut Tillman, King of the Feds

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“Locking up” just got a whole new meaning.

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Former Chicago Bear and Middleweight champion of the world Charles “Peanut” Tillman is America’s newest FBI agent.

This new position for Tillman needs to become a “Dog The Bounty Hunter” type reality show that follows Peanut as he apprehends criminals and punches whatever they just stole out of their hands. Every episode of this TV show can be focused on one of the FBI’s most wanted list. The First episode can be Peanut chasing down El Chapo in the mountains of Mexico and punching a vacuum sealed brick of heroin out of his hands then taking it all the way to the house.

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The mental picture of Tillman wearing an FBI windbreaker over shoulder pads and giving Ted Bundy the business as they try to make their getaway is too good to not come to fruition. Also getting Tillman on the next season of Mindhunter has to be a priority so that he can punch the hell out of the BTK killer when they finally catch him. Maybe even an appearance on Quantico so he can force a folder out of Liam O’Connor’s hands as he walks to the water bubbler. And forget the EGOT, Tillman will be the first person in the WPEMOV (Walter Payton, Emmy, Medal of Valor) club and put that hack Audrey Hepburn in her place.

Tillman can teach the Peanut Punch to all the other agents and they’ll dominate the FBI vs CIA charity boxing match for years to come.

The first case Peanut should be put on is investigating Brian Urlacher for identity fraud after growing that suspect full head of hair. It’s just unnatural and there must be foul play involved.

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Congrats Peanut on becoming an FBI agent and pre-congrats on the Oscar-winning TV show, Peanut Punches Perps” (working title)

3 Suggestions To Improve The AAF

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The dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and Trent Richardson has properly run power. The AAF since its first televised week has been drastically losing viewers from a combination of poor play, lack of player name recognition, and payroll issues. I have a trio of solutions to solve these problems that will most definitely produce a more compelling game on and off the field.

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1. Sign Le’Veon Bell

Le’Veon Bell’s contract negotiations with the Pittsburgh Steelers have been a story since the summer and have yet to be resolved. In order to boost player name recognition, the AAF must bring in a player who fans will want to watch play. Bell has been one of the most dynamic playmakers in the NFL since he first stepped onto the field, and would bring his highlight reel play to a league desperately needing attention. He wants guaranteed money and the AAF should be the league to offer the first fully-guaranteed football contract. Give him a 1 year deal for $25 million and let him run loose on the Atlanta Legends. Now, a league who had trouble paying for Week 1 salaries probably should not be trusted to pay up such a sum for good reason. But new emperor of the league and noted billionaire Tom Dundon should work out a side deal for Bell. Give him the money on a separate basis than the other players and let a fully healthy 2015 Fantasy Football PoTY run for 11.3 ypa. It will be as compelling to watch as Derrick Henry high school highlights and nationally broadcasted to remind everyone how good Bell is at football.

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2. Let the fans play

Fan involvement is one aspect of any league that promotes viewership growth. The NBA has fan interaction during halftime shows, so why shouldn’t the AAF? Every halftime show in the AAF should give all of the washed-up high school football players tailgating in the parking lot a pair of shoulder pads and a dream. The ball starts in the red zone and the teams trade possessions until halftime is over and a winner emerges between the crew cut 40-somethings that still think they could have made it if it wasn’t for that knee injury. The winner will be both the viewer and participants as a series of extremely sloppy attempts at running a bench concept give the right amount of spectacle and cringe factor to make compelling television.

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3. Vote Players Off Of The Island

Let the rosters be dictated by the viewer much like American Idol winners are chosen. Throughout the course of every game, fans can vote on removing one person from the roster. Whether that be a cornerback for blowing coverage, a quarterback for butt-fumbling, or a coach for losing track of the game clock, they can all go. Letting fans pick the outcome of weekly cuts will promote the thing that Twitter hopes to create, mobs of angry users getting mad at people they don’t know. The mob-mentality about poor play will satisfy everyone’s need to have their opinion heard and make for a reality show atmosphere.

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These 3 suggestions will make the AAF a spectacle unlike any other and will make the NBA an afterthought for the rest of the AAF’s season.

Robert Kraft Solicits Prostitution In Jupiter, Florida

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Robert Kraft was caught red-handed soliciting prostitution for getting rub-n-tugged in Jupiter, Florida. Words that I never thought would come from these fingers. But, in hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. Wearing Air Force 1’s and suits as a 77-year-old man, wearing those blue shirts with white collars like he’s on Mad Men, these are both red flags that should’ve been seen sooner. A hedge fund manager who wears air force 1’s is simply not to be trusted. Also, people who go to Jupiter, Florida when they are not contractually obligated to be within city limits should be locked up.

There is also a video of the act. This sex tape may come in at 2nd on the all-time list right behind Pamela Anderson and in front of Kim Kardashian and Ray J. I hope there is audio of his mouth-full-of-nickelodeon-gak speech asking how this poor woman’s day is going before asking for her to go “a little bit lower” as she limply caresses his cookie-dough-consistency belly. If Kraft is really about that AF1 life he would still have those shoes on while he’s wearing the slightly brown, mildew stained robe they give you at a massage parlor. Those bedazzled Patriot AF1s glistening in the light as he lets out a bloodcurdling scream when he sees the Dow Jones went down a point and a half while this ‘masseuse’ works on him like a college student on a clogged shower drain.

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In all seriousness, this is a terrible set of circumstances for the women involved in this story. They are trafficked women who were forced to perform sex acts on over 1,500 men per year and were given no time off with minimal hygiene. I dearly hope that some kind of justice for these women is carried out and they can once again regain total control of their lives. The high level of media scrutiny that comes from the involvement of famous people hopefully means this is over quickly and efficiently with an outcome that benefits the women.

Maybe Kraft will get suspended 4 games and Patriots fans will riot outside courthouses in Florida demanding a pardon of his sentence, maybe they’ll sit idly by while justice is carried out. We all know which one they’ll pick, right?

Here is a comprehensive tweet chain of the exact details:

Donald Trump Is A Gambler, Here’s Why

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Is Donald Trump tipping his hand about who he has a future on?

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If there’s one thing we can agree on, serving McDonald’s at the reception of the National Champion Clemson Tigers is a bizarre move that really sends off a weird vibe. But what if it is a carefully calculated move to entice a current NFL coach into winning the Super Bowl.

Now Andy Reid has been atrocious in the playoffs for the past 6 or so years, but he flipped the script this year faster than a McDouble in the microwave. Was Donald Trump’s McDonald’s buffet a bat signal to Andy Reid that there was a goal at the end of the tunnel. Not a trophy, plaque, or parade, but an all-you-can-eat Big Mac spread that would bring any red-blooded American (or college kid) to their knees.

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Were those sweet 5/2 preseason odds too much to pass up for the McDonald’s Don? I think so. If Trump’s campaign showed us anything it’s that he knows the pulse of middle America. Andy Reid is middle America personified. A gut that is the result of sitting in an office chair for 10 hours a day, a closet full of Tommy Bahama shirts for the yearly trip to Orlando, and a utility belt for all those car problems that he assures his wife he can fix.

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Donny thought he was slick presenting the Dollar Menu spread to those college kids in order to set off the fast food alarm in Andy Reid’s head. But I’m on to him.

 

P.S.

Jackson Carman roasted POTUS like a Christmas ham.

We Don’t Know What A Catch Is, And Neither Do Officials.

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The NFL officiating crew of the Chicago-Philadelphia Wild Card game just made the debate of what is a catch in the NFL even more muddied.

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At the end of the first half, Anthony Miller was thrown a pass that was seemingly broken up and ruled incomplete on the field, it would have been a completion down to the 5-yard line. The ball laid on the turf and both teams returned to the line of scrimmage for the next play.

Upon further review, it was deemed both a catch by Anthony Miller and a fumble by Anthony Miller. The referees called the play dead so nobody recovered the loose ball. It was assumed that it was an incomplete pass. In the review, the referees said that since the ball was not recovered by anyone, that the play is negated, and the catch does not count.

This play just exemplifies what is wrong with NFL officiating. They blew a play dead and took away what happened on that play, even though there was no real reason to negate it. He caught the ball, so he should get the yards. The play cannot be negated because the referees messed up the call on the field.

From the infamous Dez Bryant catch against the Packers in 2014 to this play today, the rules have changed dramatically to the exact opposite. The pendulum has swung so far that now everything is a catch and nobody knows why.

A change needs to be made, we’ve gone from “surviving the ground” to one step and it’s a catch. There is an in-between there that needs to be decided on. Also, the call of a negated play was terrible and that should simply not be an option.

Anyway, go Bears -6.

The Run, Pass, Option. Wild Card Picks

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The Run, Pass, Option. is your weekly NFL betting guide. Take these bets and everything your bookie has.

Run with these teams

Chicago -6

The red-hot Bears defense will be the only team to shut down Nick Foles. Even though he has been great, and is a Super Bowl MVP the Bears will be able to put the clamps on him. I like the Bears playmakers against the Eagles D. Pick the Bears -6

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Dallas -1.5

This is the year that the Cowboys win a playoff game. They have added the pieces to beat good competition, and their defense is the key. The linebacking duo of Smith and Vander Esch will be able to stop the Seahawks running game, which they lean on heavily. The Seahawks O-Line is far more banged up than the Cowboys, and that will be the key to a Dallas W. Pick the Cowboys -1.5

 

Pass On These Favorites

Houston -1.5

Andrew Luck and the Colts have lit it up against the Texans this year, and T.Y. Hilton has repeatedly torched these division rivals. While Houston has been one of the best teams in football all year, the Colts have played just as well. Indy’s Offensive Line will be the key to victory and Darius Leonard leading the defense will be able to shut down the run. Pick the Colts +1.5

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Baltimore -3

Nobody is giving the Chargers a chance to win this game a week after they lost to the Ravens. A team as good as the Chargers will be able to change their gameplan enough to win this game. The loss came from a couple of fluke interceptions and the Baltimore offense breaking big runs. If those interceptions don’t happen, the Ravens don’t win. Pick the Chargers +3

 

The Last Option

Sea/Dal Under 43.5

Two running teams and two good defenses? This is the recipe for a low scoring game that will be decided on a fluke play or long field goal. I like the Cowboys winning 17-14 in a very boring game. Take the Under 43.5

Texas Is Back

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The 28-21 Sugar Bowl victory for the Texas Longhorns over the Georgia Bulldogs proved one thing, Texas is back.

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Sam Ehlinger proved last night that he can make this Texas team a legitimate threat to win any game they play in if the Oklahoma win didn’t already do that. This team played like Bevo when he sees Uga give him those eyes during pregame.

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There was no more telling series of plays than the Texas drive that ended in a 1-yard touchdown by Ehlinger. They ran more or less the same play 4 times in a row, an Ehlinger keeper that barely eked out that yard even though Georgia knew it was coming. But Herman didn’t care about that, he wanted Ehlinger to break Vince Young’s single-season rushing touchdown record by any means (and concussions) necessary.

Ehlinger plays with that swag that is necessary for a big-time college quarterback to have. He runs like a power back and drops his shoulder more than he slides. He wore a Drew Brees jersey in the stadium before the game just to establish what he intended to do.

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Oh, and he has the best wristband game in the nation.

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By the fourth quarter of this game, when it was all but wrapped up, the Texas defense seemed to just be trying to flex on Georgia. They got two targeting ejections on the same drive just to up their level of difficulty. It’s like playing on All-Madden difficulty at the end of a blowout game to make yourself feel better.

With Kyler Murray leaving Oklahoma the path to the Big 12 championship is wide open for Texas to come in and take it next year. If Herman can keep this up, it will be all horns up for the foreseeable future in the Big 12.

OK cool, Hook ‘Em

P.S. The Texas at Iowa State game on Nov. 16 will be one of the games of the year in the Conference if Brock Purdy continues to play at the level he is playing at now.