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Full Count: Takeaways from Week 2 of the MLB Season

 

1. Christian Yelich Is A Man Of The People

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A Wisconsin family held up a sign asking Christian Yelich to hit a home run so that their father would buy them a puppy. Yelich obliged by firing 3 home runs into Lake Michigan (which I assume at this point has been fully replaced with Miller Light) giving the family what they came for. But he was not done yet, he then brought the family into the Brewer’s locker room and gave them a puppy who they named Yeli.

Also, by taking the Cardinals behind the woodshed for 3 homers, he only needs a few more to tie the single-season record for home runs hit against the Cardinals (A weird stat I know, but impressive nonetheless). The reigning MVP is on his way to having an incredibly strong 2019 season.

2.Chris Davis Is Back, Baby

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Crush’s legendary, historical, comical, and kind of relatable hitless streak finally came to an end this week after 54 ABs. He got his first hit when he roped a 2 RBI single against the Red Sox. He followed that up by hitting a 2-run homer to the dismay of everyone who was hoping that the Red Sox would be a decent team this year. I have no idea how the Red Sox became the team that everybody, including Davis, can take deep but it gives me no joy. The Orioles playing better than the Red Sox makes me about as happy as a turtle who just found out the other turtle he has been trying to mate with for the past 4 and a half hours is just a suspiciously turtle-shaped rock.

3.Blake Snell Is An Idiot

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In a stroke of genius Tampa Bay Ace and 2018 Cy Young award winner broke his toe trying to nudge a statue in his house. If there is anything to be learned from this incident is that you should aspire to never put stone objects in your house. When you start going down the road of putting anything granite in your house, other than countertops, you’re on a one-way track to becoming a person who has a bookcase full of geodes. I don’t know how it happens and I don’t think they do either, one day you’re installing a granite centerpiece for your living room and the next you’re polishing a geode coffee table to balance your chakras. Also, Blake Snell looks like he sells fake molly to college freshman on spring break in Miami.

4.The Mariners Continue to Hit Dingers

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Seattle has been raking more than a landscaper in October. More than a British politician in the 17th century.  More than a 9-year-old who is being punished by an overbearing father after the kid came home with a C+ on his report card. Any way you slice it the Mariners have been on a tear hitting a home run in 18 straight games and aren’t showing any signs of stopping. They have been playing great ball this year and should have a strong fight with the Astros for control of the AL West. Don’t be too surprised if you see them in the postseason this year.

3 Suggestions To Improve The AAF

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The dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and Trent Richardson has properly run power. The AAF since its first televised week has been drastically losing viewers from a combination of poor play, lack of player name recognition, and payroll issues. I have a trio of solutions to solve these problems that will most definitely produce a more compelling game on and off the field.

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1. Sign Le’Veon Bell

Le’Veon Bell’s contract negotiations with the Pittsburgh Steelers have been a story since the summer and have yet to be resolved. In order to boost player name recognition, the AAF must bring in a player who fans will want to watch play. Bell has been one of the most dynamic playmakers in the NFL since he first stepped onto the field, and would bring his highlight reel play to a league desperately needing attention. He wants guaranteed money and the AAF should be the league to offer the first fully-guaranteed football contract. Give him a 1 year deal for $25 million and let him run loose on the Atlanta Legends. Now, a league who had trouble paying for Week 1 salaries probably should not be trusted to pay up such a sum for good reason. But new emperor of the league and noted billionaire Tom Dundon should work out a side deal for Bell. Give him the money on a separate basis than the other players and let a fully healthy 2015 Fantasy Football PoTY run for 11.3 ypa. It will be as compelling to watch as Derrick Henry high school highlights and nationally broadcasted to remind everyone how good Bell is at football.

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2. Let the fans play

Fan involvement is one aspect of any league that promotes viewership growth. The NBA has fan interaction during halftime shows, so why shouldn’t the AAF? Every halftime show in the AAF should give all of the washed-up high school football players tailgating in the parking lot a pair of shoulder pads and a dream. The ball starts in the red zone and the teams trade possessions until halftime is over and a winner emerges between the crew cut 40-somethings that still think they could have made it if it wasn’t for that knee injury. The winner will be both the viewer and participants as a series of extremely sloppy attempts at running a bench concept give the right amount of spectacle and cringe factor to make compelling television.

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3. Vote Players Off Of The Island

Let the rosters be dictated by the viewer much like American Idol winners are chosen. Throughout the course of every game, fans can vote on removing one person from the roster. Whether that be a cornerback for blowing coverage, a quarterback for butt-fumbling, or a coach for losing track of the game clock, they can all go. Letting fans pick the outcome of weekly cuts will promote the thing that Twitter hopes to create, mobs of angry users getting mad at people they don’t know. The mob-mentality about poor play will satisfy everyone’s need to have their opinion heard and make for a reality show atmosphere.

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These 3 suggestions will make the AAF a spectacle unlike any other and will make the NBA an afterthought for the rest of the AAF’s season.

Robert Kraft Solicits Prostitution In Jupiter, Florida

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Robert Kraft was caught red-handed soliciting prostitution for getting rub-n-tugged in Jupiter, Florida. Words that I never thought would come from these fingers. But, in hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. Wearing Air Force 1’s and suits as a 77-year-old man, wearing those blue shirts with white collars like he’s on Mad Men, these are both red flags that should’ve been seen sooner. A hedge fund manager who wears air force 1’s is simply not to be trusted. Also, people who go to Jupiter, Florida when they are not contractually obligated to be within city limits should be locked up.

There is also a video of the act. This sex tape may come in at 2nd on the all-time list right behind Pamela Anderson and in front of Kim Kardashian and Ray J. I hope there is audio of his mouth-full-of-nickelodeon-gak speech asking how this poor woman’s day is going before asking for her to go “a little bit lower” as she limply caresses his cookie-dough-consistency belly. If Kraft is really about that AF1 life he would still have those shoes on while he’s wearing the slightly brown, mildew stained robe they give you at a massage parlor. Those bedazzled Patriot AF1s glistening in the light as he lets out a bloodcurdling scream when he sees the Dow Jones went down a point and a half while this ‘masseuse’ works on him like a college student on a clogged shower drain.

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In all seriousness, this is a terrible set of circumstances for the women involved in this story. They are trafficked women who were forced to perform sex acts on over 1,500 men per year and were given no time off with minimal hygiene. I dearly hope that some kind of justice for these women is carried out and they can once again regain total control of their lives. The high level of media scrutiny that comes from the involvement of famous people hopefully means this is over quickly and efficiently with an outcome that benefits the women.

Maybe Kraft will get suspended 4 games and Patriots fans will riot outside courthouses in Florida demanding a pardon of his sentence, maybe they’ll sit idly by while justice is carried out. We all know which one they’ll pick, right?

Here is a comprehensive tweet chain of the exact details: