Peanut Tillman, King of the Feds

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“Locking up” just got a whole new meaning.

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Former Chicago Bear and Middleweight champion of the world Charles “Peanut” Tillman is America’s newest FBI agent.

This new position for Tillman needs to become a “Dog The Bounty Hunter” type reality show that follows Peanut as he apprehends criminals and punches whatever they just stole out of their hands. Every episode of this TV show can be focused on one of the FBI’s most wanted list. The First episode can be Peanut chasing down El Chapo in the mountains of Mexico and punching a vacuum sealed brick of heroin out of his hands then taking it all the way to the house.

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The mental picture of Tillman wearing an FBI windbreaker over shoulder pads and giving Ted Bundy the business as they try to make their getaway is too good to not come to fruition. Also getting Tillman on the next season of Mindhunter has to be a priority so that he can punch the hell out of the BTK killer when they finally catch him. Maybe even an appearance on Quantico so he can force a folder out of Liam O’Connor’s hands as he walks to the water bubbler. And forget the EGOT, Tillman will be the first person in the WPEMOV (Walter Payton, Emmy, Medal of Valor) club and put that hack Audrey Hepburn in her place.

Tillman can teach the Peanut Punch to all the other agents and they’ll dominate the FBI vs CIA charity boxing match for years to come.

The first case Peanut should be put on is investigating Brian Urlacher for identity fraud after growing that suspect full head of hair. It’s just unnatural and there must be foul play involved.

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Congrats Peanut on becoming an FBI agent and pre-congrats on the Oscar-winning TV show, Peanut Punches Perps” (working title)

Robert Kraft Solicits Prostitution In Jupiter, Florida

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Robert Kraft was caught red-handed soliciting prostitution for getting rub-n-tugged in Jupiter, Florida. Words that I never thought would come from these fingers. But, in hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. Wearing Air Force 1’s and suits as a 77-year-old man, wearing those blue shirts with white collars like he’s on Mad Men, these are both red flags that should’ve been seen sooner. A hedge fund manager who wears air force 1’s is simply not to be trusted. Also, people who go to Jupiter, Florida when they are not contractually obligated to be within city limits should be locked up.

There is also a video of the act. This sex tape may come in at 2nd on the all-time list right behind Pamela Anderson and in front of Kim Kardashian and Ray J. I hope there is audio of his mouth-full-of-nickelodeon-gak speech asking how this poor woman’s day is going before asking for her to go “a little bit lower” as she limply caresses his cookie-dough-consistency belly. If Kraft is really about that AF1 life he would still have those shoes on while he’s wearing the slightly brown, mildew stained robe they give you at a massage parlor. Those bedazzled Patriot AF1s glistening in the light as he lets out a bloodcurdling scream when he sees the Dow Jones went down a point and a half while this ‘masseuse’ works on him like a college student on a clogged shower drain.

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In all seriousness, this is a terrible set of circumstances for the women involved in this story. They are trafficked women who were forced to perform sex acts on over 1,500 men per year and were given no time off with minimal hygiene. I dearly hope that some kind of justice for these women is carried out and they can once again regain total control of their lives. The high level of media scrutiny that comes from the involvement of famous people hopefully means this is over quickly and efficiently with an outcome that benefits the women.

Maybe Kraft will get suspended 4 games and Patriots fans will riot outside courthouses in Florida demanding a pardon of his sentence, maybe they’ll sit idly by while justice is carried out. We all know which one they’ll pick, right?

Here is a comprehensive tweet chain of the exact details: