Featured

Full Count: Takeaways from Week 2 of the MLB Season

 

1. Christian Yelich Is A Man Of The People

yelich.jpg

A Wisconsin family held up a sign asking Christian Yelich to hit a home run so that their father would buy them a puppy. Yelich obliged by firing 3 home runs into Lake Michigan (which I assume at this point has been fully replaced with Miller Light) giving the family what they came for. But he was not done yet, he then brought the family into the Brewer’s locker room and gave them a puppy who they named Yeli.

Also, by taking the Cardinals behind the woodshed for 3 homers, he only needs a few more to tie the single-season record for home runs hit against the Cardinals (A weird stat I know, but impressive nonetheless). The reigning MVP is on his way to having an incredibly strong 2019 season.

2.Chris Davis Is Back, Baby

chris davis.jpg

Crush’s legendary, historical, comical, and kind of relatable hitless streak finally came to an end this week after 54 ABs. He got his first hit when he roped a 2 RBI single against the Red Sox. He followed that up by hitting a 2-run homer to the dismay of everyone who was hoping that the Red Sox would be a decent team this year. I have no idea how the Red Sox became the team that everybody, including Davis, can take deep but it gives me no joy. The Orioles playing better than the Red Sox makes me about as happy as a turtle who just found out the other turtle he has been trying to mate with for the past 4 and a half hours is just a suspiciously turtle-shaped rock.

3.Blake Snell Is An Idiot

blake snell

In a stroke of genius Tampa Bay Ace and 2018 Cy Young award winner broke his toe trying to nudge a statue in his house. If there is anything to be learned from this incident is that you should aspire to never put stone objects in your house. When you start going down the road of putting anything granite in your house, other than countertops, you’re on a one-way track to becoming a person who has a bookcase full of geodes. I don’t know how it happens and I don’t think they do either, one day you’re installing a granite centerpiece for your living room and the next you’re polishing a geode coffee table to balance your chakras. Also, Blake Snell looks like he sells fake molly to college freshman on spring break in Miami.

4.The Mariners Continue to Hit Dingers

mariners

Seattle has been raking more than a landscaper in October. More than a British politician in the 17th century.  More than a 9-year-old who is being punished by an overbearing father after the kid came home with a C+ on his report card. Any way you slice it the Mariners have been on a tear hitting a home run in 18 straight games and aren’t showing any signs of stopping. They have been playing great ball this year and should have a strong fight with the Astros for control of the AL West. Don’t be too surprised if you see them in the postseason this year.

Full Count: 5 Takeaways from Week 1 of the MLB Season

Featured

1.The Red Sox stink.

sad sox

They stink out loud. They stink like month old whole milk. They stink more than a northern Atlantic scrod that’s been baking on the hull of a fishing boat for a month.

After being the best team in baseball last year the Sox have tumbled out of the gate big time. They lost to a man named Wade LeBlanc, who is not a pivotal member of the French Bourgeoisie but a pitcher for the Seattle Mariners. Rick Porcello threw a water cooler in frustration only nine games into the season.

Things are not going well. But, the Sox are opening at home tomorrow against Blue Jays so maybe they’ll be able to regain their ability to play baseball after they get presented their rings at Fenway and remember that they know how to win baseball games.

2. Cody Bellinger is the best hitter in baseball

bellinger

He is leading the MLB in Home Runs and RBIs and leading the NL in batting average. He is slashing .455/.489/1.023. He has a hit in all 10 games this season and 6 multi-hit games. He has caught fire like Paradise, California and isn’t showing any signs of stopping. He is mashing home runs this year, don’t be surprised if he not only gets into the derby but leads the entire league. He is my early dark horse(?) MVP candidate.

3. Chris Davis is the worst hitter, possibly ever.

chris davis

He has not gotten a hit in his last 47 ABs, which has broken the major league record for consecutive at-bats without a hit previously set by Eugenio Velez in 2011. He has a $161 million dollar contract and cannot hit the ball. Simply can’t do it, at this point it is like he’s converting to Buddhism and taking a vow of strikeouts. The Orioles aren’t expecting to really make any noise this year so it may not matter much, but Davis may become the biggest bust of a contract in recent memory.

4. Mike Trout is still very good at baseball.

trout

It is April 8th and Trout already has a WAR of 1.2. The Angels have played 6% of their games this year. If he keeps up this pace (which he very much might do, he is Mike Trout) then he will finish this season with roughly 10 WAR. At this point in his career, he has 64.2 WAR which means he’ll pass the likes of Reggie Jackson, Derek Jeter, Tony Gwynn, and Frank Thomas. This would be in his 10th season of baseball, the four I just mentioned all played a minimum of 19 years in the MLB. Mike Trout is just too god damn good at baseball and he has no intention of stopping.

5.Yasiel Puig Will Absolutely Fight About It.

After the Reds Derek Dietrich crushed a baseball across state lines and stopped to admire his work from his spot in the batters box and Pirates pitcher Chris Archer didn’t take too kindly to it.

Archer threw behind Dietrich the next time he came to the plate, which is the baseball equivalent of UFC fighters throwing cans of Monster at other men dressed only in a spandex bathing suit. Puig had Reds players hanging from his legs trying to stop him from knocking Chris Archer’s head into low earth orbit. Tucker Barnhardt was dragged like 4-year-old who doesn’t want to leave a birthday party with a bouncy castle.

Puig

Peanut Tillman, King of the Feds

Featured

“Locking up” just got a whole new meaning.

tillman

Former Chicago Bear and Middleweight champion of the world Charles “Peanut” Tillman is America’s newest FBI agent.

This new position for Tillman needs to become a “Dog The Bounty Hunter” type reality show that follows Peanut as he apprehends criminals and punches whatever they just stole out of their hands. Every episode of this TV show can be focused on one of the FBI’s most wanted list. The First episode can be Peanut chasing down El Chapo in the mountains of Mexico and punching a vacuum sealed brick of heroin out of his hands then taking it all the way to the house.

tillman_2

The mental picture of Tillman wearing an FBI windbreaker over shoulder pads and giving Ted Bundy the business as they try to make their getaway is too good to not come to fruition. Also getting Tillman on the next season of Mindhunter has to be a priority so that he can punch the hell out of the BTK killer when they finally catch him. Maybe even an appearance on Quantico so he can force a folder out of Liam O’Connor’s hands as he walks to the water bubbler. And forget the EGOT, Tillman will be the first person in the WPEMOV (Walter Payton, Emmy, Medal of Valor) club and put that hack Audrey Hepburn in her place.

Tillman can teach the Peanut Punch to all the other agents and they’ll dominate the FBI vs CIA charity boxing match for years to come.

The first case Peanut should be put on is investigating Brian Urlacher for identity fraud after growing that suspect full head of hair. It’s just unnatural and there must be foul play involved.

urlacher_hair

Congrats Peanut on becoming an FBI agent and pre-congrats on the Oscar-winning TV show, Peanut Punches Perps” (working title)

3 Suggestions To Improve The AAF

Featured

The dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and Trent Richardson has properly run power. The AAF since its first televised week has been drastically losing viewers from a combination of poor play, lack of player name recognition, and payroll issues. I have a trio of solutions to solve these problems that will most definitely produce a more compelling game on and off the field.

AAF 2

1. Sign Le’Veon Bell

Le’Veon Bell’s contract negotiations with the Pittsburgh Steelers have been a story since the summer and have yet to be resolved. In order to boost player name recognition, the AAF must bring in a player who fans will want to watch play. Bell has been one of the most dynamic playmakers in the NFL since he first stepped onto the field, and would bring his highlight reel play to a league desperately needing attention. He wants guaranteed money and the AAF should be the league to offer the first fully-guaranteed football contract. Give him a 1 year deal for $25 million and let him run loose on the Atlanta Legends. Now, a league who had trouble paying for Week 1 salaries probably should not be trusted to pay up such a sum for good reason. But new emperor of the league and noted billionaire Tom Dundon should work out a side deal for Bell. Give him the money on a separate basis than the other players and let a fully healthy 2015 Fantasy Football PoTY run for 11.3 ypa. It will be as compelling to watch as Derrick Henry high school highlights and nationally broadcasted to remind everyone how good Bell is at football.

AAF 3

2. Let the fans play

Fan involvement is one aspect of any league that promotes viewership growth. The NBA has fan interaction during halftime shows, so why shouldn’t the AAF? Every halftime show in the AAF should give all of the washed-up high school football players tailgating in the parking lot a pair of shoulder pads and a dream. The ball starts in the red zone and the teams trade possessions until halftime is over and a winner emerges between the crew cut 40-somethings that still think they could have made it if it wasn’t for that knee injury. The winner will be both the viewer and participants as a series of extremely sloppy attempts at running a bench concept give the right amount of spectacle and cringe factor to make compelling television.

AAF 4

3. Vote Players Off Of The Island

Let the rosters be dictated by the viewer much like American Idol winners are chosen. Throughout the course of every game, fans can vote on removing one person from the roster. Whether that be a cornerback for blowing coverage, a quarterback for butt-fumbling, or a coach for losing track of the game clock, they can all go. Letting fans pick the outcome of weekly cuts will promote the thing that Twitter hopes to create, mobs of angry users getting mad at people they don’t know. The mob-mentality about poor play will satisfy everyone’s need to have their opinion heard and make for a reality show atmosphere.

AAF

These 3 suggestions will make the AAF a spectacle unlike any other and will make the NBA an afterthought for the rest of the AAF’s season.

Robert Kraft Solicits Prostitution In Jupiter, Florida

Featured

Kraft.jpg

Robert Kraft was caught red-handed soliciting prostitution for getting rub-n-tugged in Jupiter, Florida. Words that I never thought would come from these fingers. But, in hindsight, we should’ve seen it coming. Wearing Air Force 1’s and suits as a 77-year-old man, wearing those blue shirts with white collars like he’s on Mad Men, these are both red flags that should’ve been seen sooner. A hedge fund manager who wears air force 1’s is simply not to be trusted. Also, people who go to Jupiter, Florida when they are not contractually obligated to be within city limits should be locked up.

There is also a video of the act. This sex tape may come in at 2nd on the all-time list right behind Pamela Anderson and in front of Kim Kardashian and Ray J. I hope there is audio of his mouth-full-of-nickelodeon-gak speech asking how this poor woman’s day is going before asking for her to go “a little bit lower” as she limply caresses his cookie-dough-consistency belly. If Kraft is really about that AF1 life he would still have those shoes on while he’s wearing the slightly brown, mildew stained robe they give you at a massage parlor. Those bedazzled Patriot AF1s glistening in the light as he lets out a bloodcurdling scream when he sees the Dow Jones went down a point and a half while this ‘masseuse’ works on him like a college student on a clogged shower drain.

kraft AF1.jpg

In all seriousness, this is a terrible set of circumstances for the women involved in this story. They are trafficked women who were forced to perform sex acts on over 1,500 men per year and were given no time off with minimal hygiene. I dearly hope that some kind of justice for these women is carried out and they can once again regain total control of their lives. The high level of media scrutiny that comes from the involvement of famous people hopefully means this is over quickly and efficiently with an outcome that benefits the women.

Maybe Kraft will get suspended 4 games and Patriots fans will riot outside courthouses in Florida demanding a pardon of his sentence, maybe they’ll sit idly by while justice is carried out. We all know which one they’ll pick, right?

Here is a comprehensive tweet chain of the exact details:

Baseball Finally Did A Thing

Featured

After the many months of stagnant baseball waiting for Manny Machado and Bryce Harper to sign their record-breaking contracts, sweet relief has finally come. Manny “Ankle Breaker” Machado just signed the largest ever free agent contract in North American sports history. At 10 years and $300 million, he will be living his best life in sunny San Diego. He moved what I am assuming is 5 minutes farther down the street from where he was living while on the Dodgers. He’ll still be able to go to SoulCycle and drink Jamba Juice with his vegan kimchi burrito between innings, which I’ve heard was a major selling point in not going to Chicago or Philly.

machado

Maybe Manny can start a new life in San Diego, become friends with a couple of Navy SEALs and run along the beach early in the morning while shouting statements about being told what to do. Maybe, he’ll become a dolphin trainer at Sea World and be able to ride off into the sunset of his young career on the backs of pilled-out rapist fish. Or, he’ll become a surfer and give up the dirt of the diamond for the slightly grayish sands of Coronado Beach and do his best Paul Walker in “Into the Blue” impersonation.

machado3.jpg

Whatever Manny does decide to turn his life into, I’m sure that he’ll do it to the utmost of his ability and with that world-renowned motor of his.

On a more serious note, I think that Machado will play some gold glove shortstop for the Padres for the next 5 years. He has an opt-out in that 5th year of this contract and I think he will absolutely take it if he has not been dealt by then. I am anticipating another Stanton in Miami situation. Machado will be in San Diego until a new manager comes in and wants to “change the culture”. He will then be dealt to a big market that can afford that mammoth contract like Houston or Chicago when they want to keep their slim World Series dreams alive after years of being competitive.

So in San Diego, the land of surfing and Navy SEALs, a glorious 5 years of 3rd place in the NL West are upon you. Enjoy it until Machado goes full heel and ends up in those Chicago pinstripes, until then, as the old saying goes, “Bad hustle isn’t a bad look if you take out the second baseman with you”.

machado2

Donald Trump Is A Gambler, Here’s Why

Featured

Is Donald Trump tipping his hand about who he has a future on?

trump-mcd.jpg

If there’s one thing we can agree on, serving McDonald’s at the reception of the National Champion Clemson Tigers is a bizarre move that really sends off a weird vibe. But what if it is a carefully calculated move to entice a current NFL coach into winning the Super Bowl.

Now Andy Reid has been atrocious in the playoffs for the past 6 or so years, but he flipped the script this year faster than a McDouble in the microwave. Was Donald Trump’s McDonald’s buffet a bat signal to Andy Reid that there was a goal at the end of the tunnel. Not a trophy, plaque, or parade, but an all-you-can-eat Big Mac spread that would bring any red-blooded American (or college kid) to their knees.

clem mcd

Were those sweet 5/2 preseason odds too much to pass up for the McDonald’s Don? I think so. If Trump’s campaign showed us anything it’s that he knows the pulse of middle America. Andy Reid is middle America personified. A gut that is the result of sitting in an office chair for 10 hours a day, a closet full of Tommy Bahama shirts for the yearly trip to Orlando, and a utility belt for all those car problems that he assures his wife he can fix.

andy reid

Donny thought he was slick presenting the Dollar Menu spread to those college kids in order to set off the fast food alarm in Andy Reid’s head. But I’m on to him.

 

P.S.

Jackson Carman roasted POTUS like a Christmas ham.