November marks the beginning of many things. The countdown Thanksgiving and the ensuing comatose. Herds of human wildebeests trampling fellow shoppers so that they can score a microwave for half off. In other words, the most joyous part of the year. But for me, it marks the end of the best time period on the Gregorian calendar, Brocktober.
Brocktober is the yearly period where mediocre players somehow weasel money out of multiple organizations seemingly at will. The Miami Dolphins are the latest victims of flash in the pan play from a certain 6’7 quarterback and are now roped into keeping him around for multiple years.
(So Tall! What Form!)
Brock Osweiler is not the first player named Brock to capture the hearts of a nation. There have been many in the past, and a plethora of present players to choose from. In total, there have been 71 players (that I could find) past and present to carry the hallowed Brock family crest. In an unprecedented and simply groundbreaking move, I have compiled the raw data and run multiple algorithms to figure out the exact profile of Brock, the Division 1 football player.
How Tall Is He?
With an example like Brock Osweiler, one would think that the average Brock towers over the rest of the American population. You would be right. The average Brock clocks in at a hair under 6 foot 3, compared to the paltry height of 5’9.5 for the average American male. And not to be overlooked, 24% of all D1 Brocks are 6’4 or taller. Those are Hall of Fame numbers right there.
(For those of you keeping score, it is Brock 1, everyone else 0)
What position is he?
You were probably expecting Brock, the peak of human evolution, to play quarterback. You are correct. 17% of all Brocks plays quarterback for his respective Division 1 school. Tied for second place is Wide Receiver and Defensive Back, so you know there are some athletes in this group. Also, a healthy number of Offensive Lineman in this group, at 14%.
Where does he play?
When you think of Brock do you think of cold weather? I didn’t think so. Brock plays at overwhelmingly warm-weather schools. The most common of those schools? The University of Missouri. Mizzou. The state with the most average education system in the US. Coincidence? Don’t be so naïve my dear friend. The other metric to measure this by is the jersey color the majority of Brocks wear. 34% of Brock wear a red jersey, and 30% wear blue jerseys. So, a healthy number of Stanford and BYU Brocks out there.
What does this all mean?
To summarize the data points, the average Brock is a 6’4 quarterback who plays at Mizzou. Now, does the SEC East run through Brock? You bet your bottom dollar it does. Nick Saban is kept up at night over the prospect of Brock dashing Alabama’s playoff hopes. Kirby Smart has fits trying to game plan for the lenth of not only Brock’s arms but his hair as well.
We should all thank our lucky stars that we do not have to deal with SEC Brock every day of our lives.